ebony

Dear Ebony:

I’m writing this because you’re gone. I can’t seem to bring myself to do anything else.

I haven’t cried this much since I was a baby. I’m sick with grief even 4 days after saying goodbye.

I keep welling up with sorrow, and thought making this might help?

Of course words don’t quite capture the level of the sadness I’m feeling right now…so, in my mind I’ve attached my own definition of how this feels to the regular dictionary word ‘sorrow’. It’s something like complete and utter despair, permanent emptiness and physical heartbreak… But worse!

Ebby the GOAT… 🐐

Your story…

It wasn’t until we met you, that we learned the stereotype of runt dogs (Like Togo) having HUGE hearts was true.

As far as I remember, Jenny was the one who picked you out and brought you home while everything was falling apart after dad died suddenly.

2 years prior, I moved 1000 miles away for school during the Petro era.

Petro was a good girl too. We rescued her on a summer vacation one time.

But, shortly before I finished college, the family decided to pull my sister out of high school, and relocate everyone to the town my school was in. When I graduated, I then left to start my adult life, while my family worked without me to settle into this new city.

Not long after I left, the family finally found a full time place to live and signed the deal to buy a house and move in soon!

That night of the deal, dad had his heart attack.

The stress of the moving and changing doctors is what killed him. I should have been there to get him into his new house after his retirement…I still feel guilty about that. It was ultimately a string of bad decisions after I left home, that killed dad.

It was a sudden shock to the family, so I obviously came back to move everyone into the new house.

Then not long after that, we had to put Petro down. That was some of the sharpest pain I’ve ever felt, that I still carry with me.

I didn’t want to add a new dog into such a devastating and stressful time.

I didn’t know much about you before Jenny brought you home BUT, the first time I met you, I fell in love right away and quickly became wrapped around your finger. It was love at first sight.

You immediately accepted your role in our family as a most welcome distraction from dad and Petro. You never got to meet him, but he would have loved you too.

So you were given the job of saving the Hamilton family, (No pressure) and you said ‘No, problem’ and got busy to work day one, and NEVER took a single day off.

A highly distinguished career of over 21 years.

So there we were, bound by circumstance after all these unique life changing events.

I often felt the incredible weight of trying to hold the crumbling family together…

There were times I wanted to hide in a hole, but you wouldn’t let me.

And I ended up enjoying our walks together and all the playtime and belly rubs.

I got to be there for a lot of your pup years, which have given me a rich library full of happy memories. A valuable vault of happy times, that I was lucky enough to make during some not-so-happy times, because of you.

Once you started to stabilize the family, I left to try and start my career again. It was hard saying goodbye, but I wanted to start a life of my own.

I realize when I left for work, it must have been hard on you, and I wonder if that was part of the reason you would get so scared anytime anyone left the house? I’m sorry…

But you were doing such a great job, and I felt comfortable leaving you as the queen’s guard to watch the family without me.

You took that job on with pride, and performed at an elite level. You will get glowing reviews from us. 10/10, Would highly recommend.

I didn’t realize the significance…

of the lifetime of emotional support you gave me until now. You are clearly what helped me get on my feet again. Having to take care of you is what helped me through that hard time.

We didn’t know it then, but looking back proves that YOU were the one taking care of ME, that whole time.

I thought it was my own toughness and determination, but I think it was actually YOU that got me through that. I couldn’t see it in the moment, and I don’t think you knew it either.

I ended up missing many of your middle years only coming home on holidays. I treated you as mom’s dog, instead of my… sister? Best friend? A G.O.A.T connection?

I used to travel the world, with you far from my mind… While I know I must not have been far from yours.

I remember how excited you would get to see me… EVERY SINGLE TIME I came in the door.

I loved it when I got down on my knees and you would rub back and forth between my legs, making sure I was completely covered in your scent.

I remember when you were young, you would bark and give me hell anytime I came back from away.

But, I’d just get on the floor and let you rub all over me, and we’d basically make out the whole time we were together. So there’s no doubt you knew I loved you, and I knew it back.

You barked at me because you were just trying to do your job. Which was to take care of all of us, and you couldn’t do your job if one of us wasn’t there.

Dogs are infamous for not living forever…

and even though I knew witnessing your death was likely, I never actually considered it. You wish instead, we could just die together in a car wreck…so none of us would ever have to see each other die. That’s a selfish thought though.

I suppose it is the way life is supposed to go, but FUCK this hurts! One silver lining is that, if the rest of life plays out like it’s supposed to, the worst of life is over. I don’t think any expected deaths around me will knock me this much off course again.

Another thing I can take a bit of comfort in, is that you didn’t have to watch any of US die. You would have been at least as devastated as I am now. I wouldn’t want you to have an experience like Hachi, and spend your remaining days waiting for your love to never return. 😢

I’ve had to say goodbye to dogs before…

in my life. Badboy, Lobo, Petro, and Sadie. (In order of appearance) I still remember grieving all of them. I remember each one being excruciatingly difficult. And all the cats we had to say goodbye to as well…And countless other pets like hamsters, turtles, birds, and rabbits. Maybe something was wrong with our family and we were just loving serial animal killers?

But, because I bonded with you from a puppy during a dark time, and seeing your dedication to me every day, I feel the dog love the strongest with you. You gave 110% to your job without once asking why. Even when I didn’t give that respect back.

So that’s how it was until 2020… I only saw you on family visits while I was out busy doing other things. Then Covid came and I ended up staying with you and mom. You were BOTH sick. You were REALLY sick when I got here, pooing blood, listless and having a really hard time with some infection that came back a couple times. We never found out what the cause was? But there were times we thought you wouldn’t make it…and I thought you were close to the end then.

I can remember all the medicine and the cancerous growth on your butt. I felt so bad for you to have to go through that. But, I tended to you every day, and eventually nursed you back to a decent quality of life. I’m grateful I was able to help you then. It’s the very least I could’ve done, and I wish I did more.

You never walked as far after that, but you still loved going out with me. You got yourself back to a point where we could still spend time together and you can back to work, taking care of us.

It’s hard to see the forest through the trees, 8 days after you left, I’m starting to see the beautiful forest you left us with. It’s a giant, healthy forest full of life and love. I can see your timeline flash through my mind in an instant…

You as a pup chasing your toys down the hall way with no way to stop on the hard wood floors. I can see your beautiful black eyes peek through the bay window as you waited for us to get home. You would sleep on that wicker love seat, and jump down any time you heard anybody. You could her your nails click and clack from a block away. I hope I never lose that sound in my head. But, she could run and jump like nobody’s business.

Then as you got a bit older, we got you a little staircase for that love seat because we saw how big of jumps you had to make to get up and down.

As the years rolled on and you got wiser and more mature, you didn’t play as much, you didn’t bark as much but you loved us just the same, if not more. Over this time you inched your way deeper into each of our hearts, as a true bona fide family member and companion. I guess that’s natural to take each other for granted as the years conitinue on. It makes me SO sad to think of your full time line from puppy to senior, where did all that time go? Why was I worried about other things? Why didn’t I cuddle you more? I was in the middle of the forest with you. As you aged, I could see all the different levels of doggy-ness. I remember you always wanted to sleep up with mom, even if it meant falling off the bed once in a while because your eyesight wasn’t so great anymore. We eventually had to move you to the floor, because there was too much falling. You didn’t really bark to play much, but over the pandemic, we got you into puppy mode a couple times! You would dig out a toy from your basket, brought it to us and would bark at us to throw it for you. I’m glad we had those moments, but it was heartbreaking that as we were playing, you must have been brought back to your puppy years, and you went to take a running jump like to used to, but you didn’t get as high as you wanted then you ran head first into something. It took the wind right out of your sails. I’m so sorry, I wish we could’ve kept playing like you used to, but you were getting older. It sure was nice to see you that happy though, if even just for that moment. You loved that watermelon didn’t you? I can imagine my heaven will be just throwing you that watermelon down the hallway over and over to see you running with that big smile of yours. I feel bad for all those tumbles you did take Ebby. You must’ve been so sore and bruised all the time. You’re such a trooper babe, thanks for that. I love you.

Your whole lifetime was only a fraction of mine, and now it’s gone and it’s such a difficult thing to bare. I wish I could have some of that time back. I can think of you as a puppy, right up until you died, it’s such a sad thought traversing through your life story. Where was I on each of those days? Why didn’t I take advantage more of our precious and temporary time together? It’s such a beautiful and bittersweet soul forest you gave me, that I hope I can somehow live in me forever and learn from. Hopefully, the forest can turn into lessons, I can take with me for the rest of my life until I get to see you again. I’m counting the days Eb. 8 now. I miss you.

Thank god for the pandemic…

So, in some ways, the pandemic was a great thing for us. We got to do our daily walks during a tough time again. Thinking back, I’m happy we got to spend almost every day of your last 2 years together.

I think my return might have extended your life during those times. Just because you were so happy to see me every day.

I think you would’ve just kept working no matter how painful it was.

I bet you’d STILL want to be here now, no matter how much pain you were in.

At the end of the day, this relationship will be one of the most cherished things of my entire life. So who cares about the global pandemic if I got to spend your final days with you, right? And if you somehow willed on coronavirus because you missed me, thank you.

Was March 19th the right day?

Was March 19th 2022 supposed to be the day? Even though you were here 21 years, I feel like we had time stolen from us.

It’s hard trying to reconcile whether to have put you to sleep when I did? You had been getting much slower and you seem to have lost your balance over the past while, and we didn’t do our belly rubs for about a week. I knew that wasn’t you… But, you kept eating, and you kept (trying) to walk with me.

I took you in to the emergency animal hospital on a Friday night after your first seizure (or stroke?). I thought you were dying in my lap while I drove you there. I thought that was it…The vet said they wanted to keep you in a kennel overnight with oxygen, but you told me you still had work to do, and just wanted to go home.

So home we went. I wasn’t sure if it would be our last night with you? I tried to get some sleep while listening for your footsteps. Every time you got up, I checked on you. You were having a hard time peeing/pooing/walking/breathing.

It was obvious you weren’t comfortable, and it was so hard to watch you not feel good. So, I got you back to sleep again and as soon as the grocery store opened, I went out and bought some bacon.

We had a nice morning with the smell of bacon in the air. You started sniffing around, and it was clear this was something you liked. You even got up to stalk me in the kitchen one last time. Normally, you bark at me if I was even NEAR bacon within the last 24 hours, that’s why I didn’t make it around you much. You always went beast mode anytime you could smell it. 🥓 🥓

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xADN0Ck0Lqo

I don’t remember exactly how it all went down from there, but I called the vet, and they set an appointment for 11am. I remember either saying or hearing the word euthanasia.

Uncle Nip called around this time, and you got a little facetime with them while you were breathing heavy on your pillow.

I packed up a ziplock bag full of bacon and brought it to the Jeep, then parked it by the door with the hazard lights on.

I came back inside, and as usual, you heard me come in and got up to check it out. You seemed to just strut right up, and into the kitchen!

I said to mom, “What do I do?!! Is she OK??”, then I looked back again, and there you were scrunched up, in a twitching pile on the kitchen floor. That’s when I ultimately made my decision. I picked you up immediately, and straightened you out. You seemed to calm down in my arms as I held you up to mom. She kissed your face goodbye.

I took you to the jeep and made you as comfortable as I could on my lap. We drove together for the last time, and you eventually fell asleep half way there. You couldn’t stay awake while you tried to sniff the fresh air coming in the window.

I parked and called your Dr. to let them know we were there. We had to wait in the car a few minutes just sitting there. I don’t know how many times I said “You’re a good girl, Ebby”, “Love You Ebby”, “I’m so sorry Ebby”, “Good girl” while I held you and kissed your head.

They took us into the same office we put Petro down in. The table was 90 degrees to how it was 23 years ago, but it was definitely the same room. I was trying to not be scared for you…

This was your first time in this room Ebby. This is where they keep the urn displays and had a soft blue blanket on the exam table. You didn’t seem too distressed, but I knew you wanted to go back home to mom.

I brought out the bacon, and the vet said it was OK. They had to take you in the back room to put the catheter in your leg, and those two minutes seemed like forever as I paced back and forth without you.

I finally heard the door knob open and there were your blind little eyes seeing me clearly again, SO happy to see me there, as though I was just walking in the door again.

You seemed a bit scared too, and that’s the hardest part of all this for me…

We snuggled and kissed on the blue blanket while I paid the vet bill with the visa. $411.

I fed you the remaining bacon with my right hand and held you close to me with my left arm. I liked the feeling of your nose and tongue in my palm. The vet said something, and asked if I was ready…I timed it until I ran out of bacon. You probably had about 7 slices in total! I hope you liked it.

I feel so guilty that I tricked you with the bacon…I didn’t know what else to do? I didn’t want you to be scared, I only wanted you to be happy.

When we ran out of bacon I nodded yes…Then you slowly sank into me and I felt your heart stop beating in my wrist.

I’m so sorry.

I hope I did the right thing Ebby. I hope March 19th was the right day. The vet did mention how weak you were. Seeing you hurting was so hard, and I wish I could have kept you forever. But, I know you were trying to hang tough so you could keep doing your job, as hard as it must’ve been.

You definitely should be winning some universal iron man (dog) award. The G.O.A.T 🐐

I’m sorry about those last trips to the vet.

I’m so sorry about all the times I was a jerk to you. And there were plenty…

I’m sorry for my impatience and when I called you a piece of shit dog. I didn’t mean that. I wish I could have that time over again, I’d let you sniff as much as you want, you deserved more from me.

I’m so sorry all the times I took you for granted, especially knowing that you were the one who loved me the most, and that this day would eventually come.

I’m sorry for all the times you waited by the door for me.

I’m sorry that I’m only appreciating you proper now that you’re gone.

I’m so so sorry. I don’t know if I can forgive myself? Even though I know you would probably forgive me in exchange for a belly rub.

I just hope the good times outweighed the bad.

I feel guilty as the pain gets lighter. I don’t want to lose this feeling of you, I don’t want to get over you.

I don’t want time to carry on without you, But the days just seem to keep coming. 

I sometimes get waves of gratefulness for having you, and then that quickly gets swept up by sorrow again. I’d like to carry this pain with me as a tribute to my love for you…

I hope it evolves into something more manageable with time though, because I miss you so much right now Eb. I can feel my heart hurting, my head, neck, shoulders and back all feel it too.

I’m sorry for dropping you and hurting your leg…You sure were wiggly that time though!!

I’m sorry for cutting your leg while grooming you. I was being hasty, cause your Covid fur kept growing so fast! I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting you.

The deepest cries of my life have been since you passed, and that one time after I cut you. Ask Jenny! There was a bottle of tequila involved, but I meant it. It really effected me and I’m sorry.

That moment did open my eyes to be more patient though, and I think we got along pretty well after that.

I did get frustrated sometimes when you bugged me while cooking, and sometimes I didn’t want to start the whole routine with you…and now I wish I could have each of those moments back.

You don’t know what you got until it’s gone.

I’m sorry sweet soul…

Your absence feels like it will leave bigger hole than the one you were brought in to fix.

And I hope you know there’s NOTHING you need to be forgiven for.

Thank YOU!

I can’t begin to thank you for all your dedication and love.

You loved by example and with your actions.

I’ll miss your spirit, and I’ll try to keep it with me as I continue to seek out a life my own.

I hope I’m able keep some of this with me as I try to go forward, knowing you were my biggest fan.

Thanks for standing guard so faithfully, every day.

Thanks for taking care of mom. That was your job, and you were the best at it. We couldn’t ask for a better queen’s guard, you helped us ALL through it with your love. 

I felt it when you told me you loved me, and I know there were times you felt mine too.

You couldn’t talk, but you showed me EVERY time you saw me. Even when you were too old to bark and jump around, you still showed me with your eyes and by dropping your ears EVERY time you saw my silhouette walk by.

I’ll carry our connection with me until we can tie it back up again.

Thank you for sharing your life with me, I feel honored to have shared mine with you.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, I didn’t deserve all that love you gave me.

Your love was so perfect and pure, and of a quality I’ll most definitely NEVER experience again. That’s what it was, high-end love Ebby.

Thanks for the once in a lifetime experience of your absolute love. Your eyes were true and you never let me down. Turns out that you were way more than a dog to me…

“You didn’t know what not-love was” -Mom.

I will cherish the moments that I got to make you happy. Most are in my memories, and some are on video…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7mQtTpkQ90

My life will never be the same now, and I consider it to consist of 3 parts. Pre-Ebony, Ebony and Post-Ebony. I’m finding it pretty hard to start this last third, as there is still much weight to carry.

And now I have to carry it without you… And I don’t know how… I miss you Ebby. Hopefully your perseverance can be an example for me.

I need a drink of water so I can generate more tears…

Goodbye…

The pain keeps getting big, then small, then repeats again…

Sometimes it makes me happy when I think of all our good times, but then that makes me sad.

If I try to think of other things I quickly come back to you. I don’t know how I’ll move on knowing I can never be the same.

It might be the most pain I ever feel, because it was the purest love I ever knew.

Your love was perfect and what got me through. I hope you knew I loved you too.

There was a day when I said “I held you just yesterday.” But that day keeps getting further away, and every day is blurred together now with sadness.

They say that my sorrow now, is proportional to the joy you gave me then. And this is a DEEP wound, proving how much joy you gave me, and how real our love was.

I thought I heard you just now… As painful as it is, I hope I never stop hearing your paws clicking and clacking on the hardwood floor. I can even still feel you sometimes, and your HUGE little heart beating in excitement for me in my hands.

I never want that feeling to slip away.

I don’t know if I could ever get another dog? I don’t even want to think about it. If I do, maybe a rescue dog that has a broken heart like mine. But I’ll need time… and a lot of it.

My routine might have to change, because I still break down at walk time and every time I’m in the kitchen. That’s when you would poke your head out at me to see what I’m cooking.

I know even if I somehow find moments of happiness in the future, it will be in a world without you, so it could never feel as complete.

I hope you can somehow feel these words from my soul to yours…And how important you were to my life.

My daily walks will now be in your honor, and we’ll go to some cool places now that you can keep up again…In my heart ( 🧀 )

I’ll try to keep going to the spot near your vet with the beavers OK.

So, if you are a ghost or angel or whatever, please join me. I’ll always pretend you’re running around my feet with me…NO leash.

Just know, If I miss a day, it’s not because of you, but that might be a day I need your light to shine on me once again.

I hope you felt my love too, and I hope it made a difference.

I love you Ebby.

Here’s one of my theories of everything:

While looking for similar stories to mine, I’m glad to find out that I’m not the only person that finds the loss of a dog harder than the loss of a human.

I’ve also lost plenty of human people I love in my life, but the pain with a losing a pet seems sharper.

They say dog grief can be more difficult because those relationships aren’t as complex. They are simple, based on complete unconditional love and trust. That’s it, a strong, straight line. Not a curvy, complex line like humans make.

When I watched My Octopus Teacher, I was left for weeks with deep questions about the point of everything, and our connections to each other. How could a dude and an octopus fall in love??

Grieving Ebony has returned some of those thoughts, and given me some of those questions again. It’s a different taste…but similar.

Maybe it’s our connections to one another that are the point? When you develop those connections, it becomes alive. It can become a thing of ultimate beauty if you’re able to recognize it.

The vertices can be edited, pulled, pushed and even deleted, but they are a part of a greater mesh of some kind we can’t see…Because we’re just a vertex. A vertex can’t see the entire mesh.

We build these connections/edges to each other all the time.

Some people have lots, and some have little to none.

The edges can also be pulled, pushed, distorted and deleted. All these edges might make up some sort of fluid, multi-dimensional higher level kind of stuff.

But, what really matters are the consciousnesses, and the interwoven connections with each other that make up the higher order continuum that we can’t understand.

How this relates to Ebony is…

that when a dog creates one of those ‘edges’, it is a straight, unwavering, bold line that can exist forever. Especially if you’ve been imprinted on them as a pup. Human edges, I don’t think, are ever that certain and simple.

This edge that’s sticking out from my vertex that went to Ebony’s, is permanent and true.

However, her vertex is no longer sending or receiving anything physical to mine, and now that it’s starting to fade away, and it’s the most devastating feeling I have ever experienced.

“We go through life knowing about death the whole time, but never really thinking about it or mentioning it with each other.

But when it happens it throws you off course.

We end up feeling we wasted time.

We care about the wrong things when life is normal, even though we all know there will come a day we die.

We keep wasting away our moments by hoping for future ones.

Then we look back on those moments that captured our attention, and wonder what was I doing?

Even if you live to 100, that isn’t that many days.

Reality is always now.

The past is in a memory, a thought arising in the present. The future is anticipated…a thought arising in the present.

How can you deal with the paradox of living in the moment?

It’s hard to recognize a moment, without doing anything to it.” -paraphrasing- Sam Harris

The manual for coping with loss of a companion animal says:

Grief is a healthy and normal response to loss. Attempting to suppress feelings of grief can actually prolong the grieving process. Grief can feel like being lost. The familiar things we relied on to live each day are gone. We must find new anchors or stabilizers along the way and learn a new way of relating to the world and people around us. It is also common to replay the last moments of your pet’s life repeatedly in your mind, like a videotape that keeps playing the same scene over and over. No one can hurry the process or provide a magic cure for grief. When grief is new, it is common to feel exhausted: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Changes in appetite, sleeping patterns, or health are frequently reported. Those who are grieving often describe feelings of being out of control, isolation, and loneliness. Things that seemed so important before may now seem trivial. Others may experience a sense of “life isn’t fair” or being in a tunnel or fog while everyday life swirls around them.

All of these feelings are normal and part of the grieving process, which follows no organized plan, rules, timetable, formula, or schedule. Don’t be surprised if you start to feel better, and then feel as if a wave has hit you. There will be ups and downs in the process of grieving.

The purpose of healthy grieving is not to “get over” the death of a loved one, but to integrate the experience of a pet’s death into present life. In this process, it is not unusual for certain memories of your pet to become blurred. This does not mean that you are forgetting your pet or that your love is diminished. The truth is, you will ALWAYS love this very special member of your family. The hope is that as time goes on, the feelings of sadness will become less difficult. In the beginning, you may be sad to think or talk about your companion animal. Eventually, the

hope is that you will be able to talk and even smile or laugh at good memories.

GUILT

Guilt and uncertainty are probably two of the most common emotions that people experience after the death of their pet. You may find yourself thinking continuously about what you perceive you could have, should have, or would have done to prevent or postpone your pet’s death.

Some suggestions for coping with guilt include:

-Be truthful with yourself about why you feel guilty.

-Write a letter to your pet expressing feelings you may be struggling with.

-Do a reality check. Most people assume that if they had done something differently, the outcome would have been better. It’s just as likely,

however, that if you had done things differently, the outcome would have been the same.

-Remember that you are human. No one is perfect. Accepting your imperfections will aid you in working through your emotions.

-Remember that all living things die. There is not always

an answer to why bad things happen and you do not

have to find someone (yourself or others) or something

to blame.

-Realize that sometimes you are powerless

and that you cannot control everything that happens

to your loved ones. What you can control is how you

choose to respond to the events that happen in your life.

-Try writing or talking to a trusted friend o

your thoughts and feelings of guilt. Expressing concerns in a safe and supportive environment can help examine your emotions from a different perspective.

-Have a memorial service

-Keep your pets toys, collars, bedding etc…

-Create a scrapbook or poem about your pet.

-Donate time or money to something in your pets honour.

ADOPTING AGAIN

The decision about bringing another animal into the home is very personal.

Some families may decide not to adopt a new companion animal because of

the emotional, physical, or financial demands involved with companion animal care. Others may feel the time is right to share their home and

heart with another pet.

The time to consider adopting a new companion animal is when the entire

family has had sufficient time to deal with the emotions of grief. Adopting too soon can lead to feelings of guilt or resentment toward the new family member. The important thing to remember is that bringing another animal into the home is not a betrayal of the one that is gone. You will never replace the one you’ve lost. You will simply be opening

your home and heart to a new friend. For families who want to consider

adoption, it will be important to remember that each companion animal has a special and unique personality. Take time to discuss different sizes, breeds, or colors before making a final decision. Consider the needs and temperament of any surviving companion animals.

Dean Koontz says:

Dogs, lives are short, too short, but you know that going in. You know the pain is coming, you’re going to lose a dog, and there’s going to be great anguish, so you live fully in the moment with her, never fail to share her joy or delight in her innocence, because you can’t support the illusion that a dog can be your lifelong companion. There’s such beauty in the hard honesty of that, in accepting and giving love while always aware that it

comes with an unbearable price. Maybe loving dogs is a way we do penance for all the other illusions we allow ourselves and the mistakes we make because of those illusions!

My Tips for Grieving:

It’s been 8 days now… I can’t believe it’s been this long, but at the same time, it feels so fresh. These 8 days have all blurred together. A journal of some kind might have been helpful to separate those days somehow? Because those days were basically lost in a fog.

Although I wrote this letter, It might’ve been nice to show how I was feeling each day, as I struggled through the grieving process. I get scared as the days pass, I don’t want to lose her memory, I don’t want to move on, I don’t want to get used to life without her, I don’t want to lose the pain.

Signs:

Yesterday was 1 week since I had to put her down. Each day I go for a walk in the trails across from her vet. That’s where I go to ‘walk’ and to ‘talk’ to her. The day before, while I was at our spot, the vet called mom to say Ebby’s remains were ready to be picked up. I was right there when they called, but didn’t get the message until I got back home! There’s a spot on the river where I go to talk to her…I noticed that there was one little white leaf that hung on it’s tree throughout the whole winter. Maybe it got stuck in there somehow? But, either way, I noticed it. That’s what I would talk to as if it were Ebby. Yesterday when I was down there, I saw ripples on the water with some wind come right towards me. I closed my eyes and imagined a huge Ebby come in to give me a big hug with that wind, and it brought me to tears. I then looked back at the leaf, and it was gone. It lasted all year, through all the winter storms, through all those windy and rainy days we’ve had lately, through an entire season of storms. But it only came down after that one gust of wind. Now that Ebby’s ashes were back in her bed with mom, was this her saying goodbye? Could it actually mean anything? That little white leaf that managed to hold on through all the storms, finally let go while I was standing right there. I got a sense that Ebby was happy and thankful for our time together, but that made me just as sad!

I sure hope that’s how it works, and that she’s in a state of bliss right now, waiting for us to join her there. I miss you so much Ebby. I really hope this is true and that I get to see you again. I also hope that I was a positive impact on your life. Your dedication and love did NOT go unnoticed and will never be forgotten and are now a part of who I am.

I’ve been heart broken before…

many times, and for many reasons…But this one hurts the most.

Is it unnatural to care for an animal this much? Did human kind make a mistake by domesticating wild animals in the first place?

Is it weird that humans are forming these unspeakable bonds between species?

What about all the other animals (or people) out there? The ones that are here, the ones that left and the one’s yet to come? Why don’t I care about any of them this much?

Who knows??! But, there’s something to it.

UPDATE:

Today is day 10 since you left us Ebby. I still do our daily walks and think about you constantly. But, today is the first day that I didn’t wake up and start to cry. It’s the first day where I’m feeling the happiness of once having you in my life. It’s the first day I’ve been able to start accepting that you’re physical body is gone. But, your spirit will never be gone. I will never forget you Ebby, instead I will carry you and your spirit with me until we meet again.

I’m also taking this opportunity to change some of the things in my life that you may not be proud of me for. So, your death will at least lead me to help me improve my life. I want to make sure that it’s obvious how much of a positive impact you had on me and my life. I understand where Star Wars get the idea of dark side, and light side. I could’ve taken this despair I felt after your death and turned it into evil. I could have decided to never accept the loss, and to live my life in a cloud of negativity. I don’t think you would want that though, Thats’s the easy path. The harder path is the one you taught me Ebby. I will carry your lifeforce with me to make sure I come out of this in the light side, rather than the dark side. You never spent a day in the dark side, so why would I go there…I won’t find you there. Thanks Ebby.

3 Week Update

So today is 3 weeks since you left us Ebby. I was just about to say how I can finally make it through the day without crying, but as I started typing now, tears came to my eyes thinking of you. I still think of you all the time, and I hope you know how important you were/are to us.

I wish I could have that time back…or any of my past really. Hopefully with time, those moments of us being happy together exist forever, somewhere. Your presence was such a gift, and I can’t tell you how unfair it feels that you can’t be with us still.

5 Week Update

I still cry for you every day, the pain is such a sharp one that I can trigger it any time, on a dime just by thinking of you. I saw something that said “You don’t realize the value of a moment until it becomes just a memory”…and I lost it again.

This is my first time experiencing post-college life without you, and I don’t know if I can do it…or if I even want to.

One nice thing since you now exist as a memory, is that I can summon you at any age. I can have the clueless puppy Ebby if I just want a memory running with you. I can take the middle age Ebby, where we go on long walks exploring together, or I can remember the senior Ebby, that had an appreciation of our relationship and was able to savour the bond together by communicating one of your little love grunts. As much as I loved all our running and walking together, I always come back to the grunts. I really felt your love then.

I realize you will never be replaced and that it’s not about getting over you. It is now my duty to carry with me your memories and the grief that comes with them, because with the grief comes the memory of your grunt, and your loving heart beating in my hand. I feel fortunate to have experienced that, it lets me know I’m alive…for better or worse.

You’re born, you live and you die…

You laugh, you love and you cry.

-Uncle Roger

I’m definitely in the living/crying mode right now…

I’ll end this with a timely poem mom sent me that Saturday night on March 19th 2022:

Good girl Ebby,

I love you…

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me…

If tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not here to see,

If the sun should rise you find your eyes all filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today,

While thinking of the many things we didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you

And each time that you think of me, I know you’ll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me please try to understand,

That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand.

He said my place was ready, in heaven far above

And that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned and walked away a tear fell from my eye.

For all my life I’d always thought, I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do.

It seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays the good ones and the bad.

I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,

I’d say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized that this could never be,

For emptiness and memories would take the place of me.

When I thought of worldly things I might miss come tomorrow

I thought of you and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow.

When I walked through heavens gates I felt so much at home.

God looked down and smiled at me from his great golden throne

He said, “This is eternity and all I’ve promised you”

Today your life on earth has passed but here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last

And since each day is the same there’s no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful so trusting and so true.

Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn’t do.

You have been forgiven and now at last you’re free.

So won’t you come and take my hand and share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts with out me don’t think we’re far apart,

For every time you think of me, I’m right here in your heart.

❤️