VISION MAKER (‘Kevin Morais’)
I don’t know how to start this, but I know enough about grief that journalling kinda helps. The first 10 days will eventually go by, and the memories of those days turn into a blur, and it’s hard to recollect how you made it through.
It happened on a Monday, and today is Saturday. Uncle Nip is coming over today, I’ll have to find spots for all the flowers so they have somewhere to sit and eat.
The date will be easy to remember. 6/6/2022. If you add the 2’s, it’s 6, so 6/6/6. Completely intentional. It was his trademark. He was Jesus AND the beast.
Before all that, I just want to log the days since…
Monday it happened around 4:00pm. I think I was making hot dogs at the time. If not I was probably listening to TSN Overdrive thinking about making hot dogs. Hot dogs, salad, and air fried fries. I over heard when he called mom at 3:54. He said he was tired, and not to worry if he didn’t call tonight. He called every night at 7:17, there’s probably a signifigance in that number…
I noticed Ebby’s water dish in the kitchen, so I dumped it out, and put some fresh water in it. I realized I was late doing it because it was Monday. I had to put her down on a Saturday, so that’s her day when I put out a fresh water dish for her ghost. That was probably when it happened; when I dumped out the water.
Saturdays are for Ebby, and I guess Mondays are for Kevin now. Monday?! Amirite??
I watched the hockey game that night and fell asleep during the third period, but woke up when I heard the game winning goal. Colorado completed the sweep of Edmonton in OT. 6 – 5.
Tuesday morning I got up early like usual, not feeling any different than any other day. Why couldn’t I sense this??
I made my coffee, took my dumps and got to work editing videos. As I was transferring some files from one computer to another with my external drives, uncle Roger called. (Kevin’s dad) His voice was hoarse and tired, as though he’d been up all night. He said, the police were here last night, and I thought Kevin had been arrested again. But, with a tremble in a voice he said ‘I’m sorry, but Kevin is no longer with us.’ It was 8:56am and that call only lasted 10 minutes. It felt longer than that? I think… I couldn’t believe it, but deep down I knew it was true. All of a sudden, I felt the finality of it like a ton of bricks, and everything stopped. He tried to act tough and justify it by saying it was his decision, and that he’s no longer suffering.
What do I do? I have to tell Jen and mom. How? This is unbelievable.
It wasn’t long before I called her at 9:14am, and that call also lasted 10 minutes. I guess 10 minutes is how long it takes to inform someone their brother committed suicide by train.
Mom was sleeping still, but Jen and Tyson were on their way here. I paced back and forth not knowing what to do. They finally arrived and we quietly sat in my room trying to figure out how to tell mom. Jen was on the floor crying quietly, and Tyson looked in shock. The news of Kevins death was less than an hour old as we sat there trying to understand.
Mom finally got up, and I said good morning trying to not sound devastated. I said Jenny and Tyson are here too. It was only a second after mom saw Jens face, she said what’s wrong? I think she even exclaimed ‘Kevin!!?’ She sat up in shock, and there was a definite moment I saw her heart shatter. I think she knew it deep down like I did, even though she’s still trying hard not to. She only had questions and thought it wasn’t him, or he was pushed etc etc.
Anyway, I think we shuffled around trading seats until Jen and Ty had to go get the kids from school around 3. We were each trying to answer each others questions, but none of us knew any answers.
I actually can’t remember much that happened after that? I don’t think mom and I ate? If I did, I wouldve just put a frozen thing in the oven, that we probably just looked at before scraping into the garbage. I actually can’t remember if I ate that day? Jen came back that night and we sat together asking questions to each other again as 7:17 rolled by with no phone calls.
The lack of the phone call is when it REALLY became real. Kevin has called mom every night at the same time for years. I got used to moms stock iphone ring tone anytime I was in ear shot at 7:17. I could depend on it. We would always say hi to each other via mom, and even though we didn’t physically talk to each other every day, we kinda did. I can still hear his low quiet voice on speakerphone in the background. “Tell Danny I love him.” “I will sweetheart.”
Not sure how long Jen stayed that night, but she eventually went home. She had to work the next day!
I was spent, and I mustve fell asleep. I was up a bunch of times in the night tossing and turning with flashes of Kevin in my mind.
Now this is my second attempt at piecing together the time line.
I now remember that Wednesday, I had to do an ownership transfer at the vehicle registry, and sign some papers. I had to be reminded of this though.
I can’t remember exactly how it all rolled out? I think I somehow finished the edits of the videos I was working on so I could send off. I’m going to have to go back through those, because I don’t remember doing it? I think I went for a walk, and picked up something from the grocery store so I didn’t have to cook that night.
Jen wanted to do something about it so we decided we’d drive to Uncle Rogers and then Rouge Hill the next day.
I fell asleep with tears in my eyes and woke up sobbing at least once.
Got up early the next morning and waited until I had to go pick up Jen. We sat together united in grief and made the trip down the 401 to Pickering.
Roger and Linda were both so happy to see us. It was nice to see them so happy. We smiled and hugged with tears in our eyes. Roger pointed out to the recycling bin as the recycling truck was pulling up, and said all Kevins papers were in there. And I said What? And tried to rifle through them as the garbage man took it away. I can’t believe that happened actually! So surreal, I wish I had those papers!! Even IF it was only his math theories. So, that was just a cruel little joke that actually happened.
Anyway, the plan was that we were going to go to the train station, chat a bit and then go for lunch. We parked haphazardly, and Uncle Roger pointed to where he would drop him off, and I could tell he wasn’t doing well. He had tears in his eyes and said he couldn’t stick around and had to go. I understood, it was a brief visit with Rog and Linda, but a necessary and bittersweet one.
We searched the coastline and the forest area nearby where he would camp, hoping to find traces of him. We saw Arizona Iced Tea Cans, a beach towel and possible cigarette butts that could have been his, but he wouldn’t have littered.
There was a twitter and reddit post about the train delay, and in the comments we found a picture of where the police had the tarp set up at the GO station. One commenter said the victim had his head chained to the tracks, that’s how it happened. Tyson messaged him on reddit, but they deleted their comment, and didn’t reply. He said he worked for the railway, so probably didn’t want to get caught talking about it publicly?
We all thought that was a weird detail that probably isn’t true, but I put 2 and 2 together when I remember Roger said the police mentioned there was something tied around him when it happened. I know what he did, he had a chain with 2 padlocks, and threw the keys away. One he used to secure around his neck like a necklace, and one that he quickly attached to the track at the last minute as the train was approaching. He wanted to make sure it happened all the way. He planned this.
Jen ended up befriending the OP of that Reddit post where we found the gory details. She lives across the street and is also an artist, and we’re going to go meet her and put a plaque up that she’ll hopefully maintain when we’re not there.
We saw a spot where someone had clearly been camping, but apparently was a different spot that he was allegedly spotted at in a hammock by the reddit poster. Apparently Kev camped just about 100 meters from where we were searching.
The whole area there is quite beautiful, and I could see why he liked it there.
Jenny was a bit frantic searching for any kind of clues, and I started to worry about her, and how it will effect her and it’s clear it already has. She witnessed dad die of a surprise heart attack right in front of her face when she was 16, so she’s already got PTSD death issues, nevermind that her first core memory was my Uncle Robin’s funeral, which was awful. Another soul taken too early, and the smell of flowers had always reminded me of death ever since. This is all so sad, Kevin wouldn’t want to see her so sad. WTF.
We drove home talking about it and taking turns crying. I was trying to show that the trick to the 401 is patience and flow, but there were a bunch of jerk drivers that I had to flip the bird to on the way.
She found meaning in the song ‘Shine’ by Junkhouse that was on the radio when she got in her car on her way to help tell mom. There are alot of coincidences in those lyrics:
We live around the hydro towers
Listen to them singing in the park
Wind our clock too tight
And all the radios are glowing in the dark
Mothers lie down in the day time
And dream about Hollywood
I know that they’d get there if they couldIt’s just a matter of time
Before we get to shine
It’s not a question of when
Or who does the crimeWe show our skin through picture windows
Sit around cross legged on the floor
Our living rooms electric,
TVs, light bulbs, irons, cancer to the core
Out in our back yards waiting
For women in flying saucers
Under the stars and power linesIt’s just a matter of time
Before we get to shine
It’s not a question of when
Or who does the crimeThe fans and the air conditioners
Runnin’ in movie houses
The mother’s not coming home againIt’s just a matter of time
Before we get to shine
It’s not a question of when
Or who does the crime
I mentioned that a Blink 182 song came on for me on my radio, ‘Adam’s Song’ which is about a kid who committed suicide. I don’t like Blink normally, but I listened to the words, and theres a part I took from it is where it says “Tell mom it’s not her fault”:
I never thought I’d die alone
I laughed the loudest, who’d have known?
I trace the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn’t think enough
I’m too depressed to go on
You’ll be sorry when I’m goneI never conquered, rarely came
Sixteen just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn’t wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we’d survived
I couldn’t wait ’til I got home
To pass the time in my room aloneI never thought I’d die alone
Another six months I’ll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You’ll never step foot in my room again
You’ll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her faultI never conquered, rarely came
Sixteen just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn’t wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we’d survived
I couldn’t wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room aloneI never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can’t wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I’ve survived
I can’t wait ’til I get home
To pass the time in my room alone
I’m not usually the one to think messages are passed from the other side through radio DJ’s, but I’m open to it. There’s more out there than I understand. Kevin tried to tell us that all the time.
I dropped Jen off to an empty house cause Ty was out with the kids.
Not sure what that empty house felt like? Probably OK cause there’s cats.
I ran back fed mom some food even though I knew she wouldn’t eat it and went for a walk to my favorite hiking trail. I like to think that helps, everything is usually bullshit, but not in my forest.
On the way home, I did a u-turn after passing the LCBO, and picked up a 6-pack of Keiths and 6 Stella. I drank them at my desk and was up late just thinking about Kevin. I made Facebook post about him as I listened to dark side of the moon.
He blew my mind with Dark Side of the
Moon when I was 3 or 4 and I’ve been
chasing that feeling in one way or another
ever since. I thought he wrote the songs,
and that he was so cool, and I love him so
much. It made me who I am today.
These words were hard for me to get
through, but it is so Kevin. A beautiful mind
that couldn’t stop.
I don’t know if there was any more people
or pills that could have helped? But, my
brother is apparently gone. It was ultimately
mental health that made him do it.
I know there’s nothing to really say here, so
you don’t have to. Just check out the song,
be nice to weird people and tell your loved
ones you love them…and they can’t do it
“And if the cloud bursts, Thunder in your
ear.
You shout and no one seems to hear.
And if the band you’re in starts playing
different tunes.
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.
Love ya bro.
I eventually passed out and I woke up in the middle of the night, with a raging headache, and I gave myself the shits. I was so hungover like I haven’t felt in years. I went to the 24hr McDonalds to get a greasy breakfast, and I eventually fell asleep again for a few hours.
It’ now Friday and I woke up feeling like a dirtbag. I can still taste the beer in the back of my throat as I write this. When Uncle Rog called that morning, Jen wanted me to get the contact info of the police that were on the case. So he reluctantly gave it to me, and said if you must. Jen called later that day, and talked to an officer that was on duty that read the report to her. It didn’t really give us any new information, but they gave her the email address of the officer who was on the scene.
Jen and Ty had the day off, and we tried to do a normal thing. I’ve been asking her to take me to Costco because there’s a certain grill I’ve been looking for and apparently they had it. It was super busy, and they didn’t have the grill. I also REALLY didn’t want to be there, I was so uncomfortable in public, didn’t they know? I think Jen and I were just trying to do something normal, but it sucked. Got some toilet paper and left. I’m glad we went out together though, I’m sure we needed it.
Not sure the rest of that day? I made a shepherds pie in the oven.
I DO remember Uncle Rog calling that evening and saying he just spoke with Andrea (which was technically Kevin’s daughter-in-law), and that they all wanted to get together at Kevin and Petra’s place a week from this coming Sunday. Not sure what we’ll find there, and it will be a strange get together I’m sure. There’s lots of tragic angles to this story…
Kevin’s wife had her own set of mental health issues, which he also felt responsible for. I figured at least they were supporting each other in their own ways, but it was a very complicated and stressful relationship to say the least.
Long story short is that Kevin did this a couple weeks after his wife stopped speaking to him when she was committed to the psych ward. That’s why we’re going to the apartment, neither of them are coming back.
Kevins routines got knocked off course while she was in the hospital, when he started camping out in Rouge Hill. We joked about him camping out there, and he said how long it took him to get set up and how old he felt doing it. I think the idea of camping on Lake Ontario next to the tracks is harder than it seems. But, I bet he loved just listening to the waves crashing at night though. One night he got rained out, and Rog came and picked him up.
He was supposed to come here to baby sit mom for at least one night while Jen and I go to a wedding next weekend…I was looking forward to seeing him, he needed us. He needed us to ground him, he needed some healthy meals, and some good sleeps.
You could tell he was getting agitated again. At least I could tell, he was so smart that he knew how to act around different people, even mom. But I could see him doing it cause I actually knew him, he trusted me with more things than probably anyone else. He presented well to alot of the Doctors, because in many ways he was smarter than them.
He never accepted their diagnoses, and even the ones he loved, eventually turned on him in his mind. He even tried to understand it my researching the brain, and why it’s doing all this to him. He finally got an MRI after trying so hard to get a referral. We were happy because he’s wanted this for so long to be able to see his brain damage. It was a legit scan, and the doctors said they couldn’t find much out of the ordinary. But, he sent it off to all the top doctors he found online. I assume we never heard anything back.
Anyway, it’s Saturday now. I started this, I cleaned the apartment, Uncle Nip, Aunt Pat and Lynn came over. I’m exhausted and it’s 9:30. Jens on the phone with mom right now, she’s hurting. So am I. Gonna see what happened with hockey and try to get some sleep.
I can’t light no more of your darknessAll my pictures seem to fade to black and whiteI’m growing tired and time stands still before meFrozen here on the ladder of my lifeToo late to save myself from fallingI took a chance and changed your way of lifeBut you misread my meaning when I met youClosed the door and left me blinded by the lightDon’t let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it’s always someone else I see
I’d just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on meI can’t find all the right romantic lineBut see me once and see the way I feelDon’t discard me just because you think I mean you harmBut these cuts I have, they need love to help them healDon’t let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it’s always someone else I see
I’d just allow a fragment of your life to wander freeBut losing everything is like the sun going down on meDon’t let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it’s always someone else I see
I’d just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me
So today is Sunday, it’s raining and I have to move a trailer into Fanshawe at 2. It’s the last thing I want…I won’t be able to spend any time there, but I’m doing it to make Jen happy. It’s going to be a hot summer, with lots of bugs, and I’m more of a city slicker that enjoys the comforts of a shower and a bed. But it’s what I have to do for the family.
I can’t think how I’ll make it through the day? But, I made it through the first 6 days, guess I have to make it through this one too.
I have tons of work to do, but now this trailer is going to steal all my time, and money I don’t have.
One of my first selfish thoughts after that first phone call was “Now I REALLY can’t do suicide”. I didn’t think I ever would go through with it, because Kevin, Jen and I talked about it pinky swore each other that we weren’t allowed to, no matter how bad things got. But, I hate to say that’s the thought that starts my day, ends it and pops up a dozen times in between. I could never do that Jen though, as tired as I am. I always fantasize about it though, usually with a gun. But, my duty now is to try and live for Jen. I was the one who walked her down the aisle, I couldn’t betray her like that. Her kids idolize me, and I love them just as much, so I do have something to live for.
But other than that, my life fell apart with Covid. Mom is in a hospice situation and has almost died a couple times during the pandemic due to her COPD from chronic smoking. My career depended on having full audiences in crowded theatres, which all but stopped. Even when they re-opened, I was unable to do the hours because of my care taking duties. So, I lost my identity, purpose and my passion to take on the role of my mothers nurse…It’s been over 2 years living in moms hospice with her, but probably about 7 years we’ve been trying to manage her breathing with operations, radiation, steroids, medicines, antibiotics and machines. Without modern medicine, she would have died long ago, so I have mixed feelings about this whole circumstance due to the unnatural nature of her survival. I call her Bernie Lomax. She has the strongest will to live of any one I ever met, so she is not ready to say goodbye and why she continues to fight her fight. If she had her way, she would never die, to be able to see her grandkids every move. I don’t understand it? Her will to live… Everything must be so uncomfortable for her… Her desire for life definitely out matches mine.
we seem to have found the right combo of medicine and machines to keep her at a baseline level of health. I imagine this scenario for her and I for the next 6 years or so before her little body finally gives out. I’ve been trying so hard to find skills where I can work from home. But turns out it’s difficult for someone looking to change everything past 40. I picture myself being a broken man by then, disassociating with no more room for happiness.
Maybe I can use the inheritance to start climbing my way out of debt, and try to rebuild a life that I can tolerate? We’ll have to see…
I guess my point is, that I get it. I understand why Kevin did it. And in some ways I’m jealous that he got out, and kind of proud that he went all the way like he did.
So, If I feel this way, imagine what HE was going through. At least I only have one voice in my head. Things were just easier for me than for Kevin in general. I don’t have a disabled partner I’m also trying to care for. My childhood had more stability than his did, I got luckier than he did in a lot of ways. I wish I could have given you some of my luck bro… I’m sorry it all happened like this.
He was always different, and I knew that, but that’s one of the reasons I loved him so much. I loved his differences, I loved the way he looked at things (in his early years), he taught me so much, and I had nothing but admiration and love for him.
I must have been the only kindergartener that cared about black holes and Pink Floyd in my class.
He taught me how to draw cartoon characters, I emulated my handwriting after his, I tried to walk like him, he taught me nunchucks, I told his jokes, I bragged about him and I tried to think outside the box like him. I was Kevin’s little brother. The term half-brother or whatever was NEVER used until I just wrote it just now. We were just brothers.
It must have been hard, dad didn’t treat you with the kid gloves I got. You weren’t his biological kid. Neither am I actually, (a story for another time) but he treated me like it. I’m sure when I was born 1 week after your 12th birthday, I stole the show as you got casted aside. I’m sorry bro. I was the biological product of an ‘affair’ and mom told me she was on her way to abortion clinic with me before she changed her mind at the last second. I think about that a lot, and when I do, I wish she went through with it. Especially now, thinking how your life could’ve been so much better. I’m sorry bro.
I know you love me though, just as I love you. That was built into our brotherhood, and we even said it to each other all the time. I’m pretty sure you would tell me not to be sorry for being born, but that’s how I feel.
I also think often how mom and dad told 12 year old you, that you had to keep the secret of who my biological father was from me my whole life. That must have been hard, and I often wonder if that had anything to do with your mental decline? It couldn’t have helped.
You were put through the ringer though bro, as they say. Dysfunctional family, broken hearts, rejections, addictions, bullies, no money and alphas prevented you from conquering, even though you only ever tried to help. What a cruel world for a gentle artist soul.
You ran away from home when you were 18, I would have been 6. Where did my brother go? I remember getting back from a camping trip with the family to see mom shrieking at the goodbye note you left when you hopped in a transport truck with your Uncle Jerry.
That was a shocker, where did my brother go? Why?
We eventually saw you on holidays now and then, or when we would come down to visit your dad, but you were now in your 20’s and going down your own path. All I know is that your path contained addictions to drugs and alcohol. You (eventually) drank to the point where you had to stop. I’m sure you saw some shit bro…I remember you telling me about you doing hard drugs living on the streets of Toronto. I can only imagine what you went through. I also remember you telling me the story of what made you take AA seriously. You said you saw the actual grim reaper standing at the end of your bed one night. It must have been scary, because I felt your fear when you told me, so I believed it.
I’m glad it didn’t end there bro, and that you got ‘clean’. We got almost 20 years of Non-Alcoholic Kevin.
You joined in the rat race, and tried so hard to do what every one told you. But ultimately, our society isn’t setup for people with your altruistic nature.
Late stage capitalism doesn’t leave a lot of room for someone who doesn’t care about possessions, someone who just wants to live harmoniously in a food forest.
Do I blame the system? I don’t think so… I think ultimately people are just generally stupid, relative to some sort of universal intelligence. Thus, systems developed by people are also stupid, as every one struggles to make their way through their own individual survival. I think human kind has a long way to go with societal systems still, and ultimately I think Kevin was right! We SHOULD be living harmoniously with one another in food forests.
Possession is 9/10 of the law they say, as people hoard.
But here we are, humans living in decay just moving around trying to do things to keep alive, very rarely changing to new ideas.
So, ultimately I don’t think we understand much at all. I saw somewhere that you can think of us like waves. The wave is a part of the ocean, it comes up into existence, and eventually falls down, but still always a part of the ocean. Some waves are bigger, and some last longer than others. A wave can’t understand what the ocean is, it can only rise and fall by the ocean flows. I think about stuff like that a lot, and am curious about it, and probably why I don’t fear death either. I do fear, however, the grief suffered by my loved ones because of my death.
Which brings me back to why I’m writing this, to help work through my grief of Kevin because I know I can’t kill myself and have no choice but to hang on.
I truly am devastated to lose you Kevin. I am lost and broken. I will never be the same without you, and nothing will ever make me feel complete knowing that you’re gone.
You, Jen, Sam and Albie and Ty are my favourite people, and I don’t know how to find the strength to go on here?
I know you must have felt you had to, to break our promise. I get it. Either that, or it was evil Kevin that took over. I’m sure you wouldn’t want us to go through this torment of reliving your last moments in our head over and over. There’s a chance you thought EVERYTHING would go away with your death…But we are all still here. I can’t see you wanting us to have this pain, but trying to let you rest at peace in my mind feels impossible. It’s hard to accept you as just a memory. Sigh…
I remember I could make you laugh, and maybe the hardest I’ve seen you laugh is some funny things I said. I can’t remember anything specific, but all we did was joke around with each other, when it was good Kevin at least. I miss the sound of your laugh, and can picture it in my head right now. I hope I don’t lose that sound. My ears are ringing in grief, and my ab muscles and rib muscles are sore from deep crying atm. And you always made me laugh too bro, you always were doing funny things, and said sentences that have definitely never existed before.
The song ‘Christmas nunchuks’ will become a holiday classic from here on out. It’s sung to the tune of ‘Silver Bells’. Instead of singing ‘city sidewalks’, you sing ‘Christmas nunchuks’, and the rest of the song is ad lib describing hitting your best friend with nunchuks in the face. That Christmas you visited with 2 black eyes and a fat lip because you hit your friend Marcus in the face with Nunchuks when he said something you felt threatened by, and then you got jumped by onlookers.
I still have the nunchuks you made for me, and still pretty good at them. They are now my prized possession and will keep them close at all times. Thank you for those.
Or that time I was driving and you were in shotgun and you rolled down the window to hock a big lugey out just as somebody drove by with their window open. Pretty sure you got them right in their lap as you casually rolled up the window and I sped away.
Or that time in the Caribbean, when a lady tried to sell you 2 sea shells for x amount of dollars. You were like, ‘I don’t know’ and then asked if you could buy 3 instead for x + x + x dollars? She had to think for a second before she happily said OK! You were happy with this result, and made the deal. The first time I ever saw anyone haggle UP! I wonder where those shells are?
Or your florida room video rants where you’re anger keeps getting interrupted by the cutest bichon frise wanting inside and outside back and forth.
Or your triple triple Timmys coffees that you would swish around in your mouth between your teeth and stuff before swallowing.
Or even when you talked about your camping set up at Rouge Hill, you described it as a comedian would.
If anyone out there has ever been influenced by me, they have been indirectly influenced by Kevin.
I hate that my brother has been reduced to this, me writing about him in the past tense.
Maybe one day when I get set free I can restart a life, but I don’t know how? Or if it could ever be good without you.
I’m happy that you didn’t hurt anyone, there were phases of anger where I was so worried about you Kev. The paranoia is one thing, but I hated seeing your angry side, it scared us sometimes.
You felt as no one was listening, and you were right, nobody did listen. Maybe you tapped into some underlying facts of reality nobody else could see, but unfortunately nobody else could understand it. And when you reached out, you got nothing back. You put so much work into everything you did, I’m sure there’s something profound in what you saw, but you just couldn’t explain it. I’m sorry I couldn’t see it bro. I did try…But I couldn’t see what you saw in it.
Today is Tuesday, trying to stay on top of my to do list. I feel a bit better about everything, and haven’t woke up crying that least 2 nights, and have actually ate ravenously and got a decent sleep.
Up until now, your face flashes through my mind as I close my eyes to fall asleep. I take a bit of comfort in that because your face is happy when I see it. I’m not sure if I’m just recalling your face from all the photos Ive combed through of you, or if I’m somehow actually seeing you happy wherever you are? I guess it’s nice to think you’re happy now…Except it makes me sad that you had to leave me to find it. I’d rather see you happy than tortured though…so I have to figure this out.
I’m sorry I didn’t help more…I’m sorry I took you for granted…I’m sorry for being born.
Wish I knew…and I wish I asked the questions that could’ve kept you here.
He always posted this Pink Floyd video, and I always thought it’s kind of a quirky song, and didn’t pay much attention. But I’ve been through it a few times now, I don’t thinkit’s about the song…I think it’s about the video. How mother earth sacrificed herself to keep life going. I wonder what was going through his head?
I also think of our last conversations, and how he was trying to cheer ME up! Maybe him seeing me so down rubbed off on him? So I do have a role to play in this.
Look at my face here, I’m like: “You seeing this shit mom?! He’s doing Peek-a-boo!!”
Today is Thursday, and you were supposed to come to help me take care of mom today. I was going to say I haven’t cried today, but I just did looking at the above photo. I loved him so much, and unconditionally! I really didn’t care about his eccentricities, I just thought that’s what older brothers are like. And I liked him, he treated me so well, and it was obvious he loved me. I hope I was able to bring you a little bit of joy in my baby years bro, I know I loved you then just as I do now, so I’m glad we had that time together. Wish I could remember more of it…
I have a feeling this blog post will continue to be a work in progress as I work through everything. This will obviously remain a part of my life, so it may be nice to keep a running tally of how I’m feeling through all this. The emotions fluctuate and take many shapes.
Well Bro, Today is Friday, the day of the wedding. Ideally, you should be right where I am, and I should be somewhere else, getting ready and thinking about getting drunk at the wedding. I, of course, wish you were here. This will be the true test for mom, cause I’m still going to the wedding, just mom will be alone for the night.
What if you were just having a psychotic episode or whatever, and this could’ve been prevented? I wish I could go back and do something, but I know from experience, you can’t. I hope there’s other timelines, and one where Kevin WAS right AND got recognized for it.
I haven’t cried yet today, I think it’s just cause I have a lot of other things on my mind. I don’t want to do this wedding today…Should I not go?
You might have thought we’d be better off without you, but we aren’t bro.
It’s Saturday and I made it through the wedding. I did the whole dancing and drinking thing. Your name came up quite a bit, but we were trying to make it about Brianne an have a fun time with it.
Tomorrow Jen and I are meeting your dad for fathers day at your apartment to see what needs to be dealt with.
Today is Sunday, and Jen and I are going to your place today to see if anything needs to be done. Sounds like Petra is staying in the hospital. Sorry everything fell apart like this for you bro. It’s also fathers day, so we got your dad a card.
OK, made it through fathers day…I know you and your dad had a complicated relationship, but I bet if you knew how hard he’s taking this, you wouldn’t have done it. Jen and I were disappointed that there was more of a goodbye for Andrea and Julianna than us. I know that’s a selfish though, but it’s to be expected when your brother breaks his promise.
The investigation of this tragedy is like a plane crash in a lot of ways. It wasn’t just one thing that went wrong to cause it, it was preventable as well as a terrible tragedy. A perfect storm if you will. Kevin had more than 2 or 3 issues going simultaneously to make him do it.
- Untreated Mental Illness (Dissociative / Schizophrenic / Manic / BiPolar / PTSD / Unsure??)
- Stress and pressure from also trying to manage wife’s mental illness.
- Hopelessness from exhausting options by Doctors and MRI
- Thought that his works might gain notoriety after his dramatic death
- Off his regular meds / routine with wife in hospital.
- Mother lays dying in front of his eyes for years.
- Chaotic childhood seeing mother with various partners that ended poorly.
- Having to keep the lifelong secret of who your baby brothers father is from him.
- Having a baby brother take attention away in your most formative years.
- The Date was 6/6/2022 (6/6/6)
- Was given ‘hard time’ by Doctors as well as passersby while camping on public trails.
- Highly Delusional / Paranoid
- Wife wasn’t talking to him
Today is Tuesday, Day 15. I think I’m in the anger phase…We had a deal bro, and you broke your promise to leave us with all the burdens you created as well as left behind. I realize you were sick, and you thought your death might help somehow, but YOU WERE WRONG! Just like you were wrong about a lot of things. The sky isn’t always falling, and maybe you’re NOT a savant, and NOT smarter than every one else, eh? Did you ever stop for a moment to think that you might be wrong? You seemed so arrogant, that you were always right and every one was always wrong.
I did follow you online sometimes, and I remember one math forum you reaching out asking some kind of abstract question that I can’t remember, and you got some replies, most were people pointing you in a direction of some specific fields of science, I wish I could remember this, I may have screenshots I can look up actually, but you replied to their replies with some arrogant remarks, like I know this already, or I can figure this out tonight or something because I’m a savant…Then the forum kind of jumped on you, and pointed out the specifically that you were displaying the Dunning-Kruger effect, and you sheepishly apologized. Sorry to bring this up, but it just goes to show that you hated letting your ideas get criticized, and you hated that your works of writings didn’t get mainstream success like you envisioned.
And I’m angry I guess is the point..Because you’re now gone because of your foolishness.
I need to keep reminding myself you were ill… But I don’t know what could have helped you that you would have went along with? I liked that you were into meditating and the 12-steps, but I guess it wasn’t enough to calm all the noise in your head.
Here’s a link to his youtube videos. Not sure how long I have to download them. But it gives you an idea on his mindset, at least a bit with the math and some of his rants.
WHEN I FANTASIZE ABOUT MY SUICIDE,
I buy a hand gun which I bring to my mothers next radiation doctors consultation. When the Doctor explains the new dosages and new radiation schedule to treat the ‘spots’ on her lungs, I look mom dead in her eyes and say “Good luck” as I blow my brains out all over the doctors office. That way mom will know its her fault, and the hospital cleaning staff can deal with it and they just throw me in the morgue there. I feel sorry for the innocent Doctor, but hey, tragedies sometimes happen in hospitals. No muss, no fuss.
I wanted to kill myself long before Kevin killed himself. It’s mostly with a gun or an overdose in my fantasies. BUT, one key difference in my suicide fantasy from my brothers, is that I say goodbye to my brother and sister before I do it, and let them know I’m sorry for leaving them, it’s not their fault and that I love them.
I have so many issues, and now I can see them and my anger boiling over, and I REALLY REALLY want to kill myself too. This can’t be good…I imagine the rest of my life will just be torture like this, having to stay alive for only one reason, so I don’t traumatize my sister. So here I am trudging through life unwantingly. I’m healthy, handsome with a year left before I’m actually old…
I’d trade my health with my cousin who has late esophogeal cancer in a heartbeat. He has a job, and a kid and a family and a house. I don’t, I could die without inconveniencing ANYONE!
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